


Love

by LightRain



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon, Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: 20GAYTEEN, Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Homophobia, I promise there's a happy ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Nonbinary Tenoh Haruka, Only Love and Happiness for my Gay Queens, This content can be very triggering so please stay safe, Transphobia, Violence, they/them pronouns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 00:19:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9691139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightRain/pseuds/LightRain
Summary: Haruka could barely put words to it; Empty? Draining? Isolating? The sensation of drowning even though they were no where near water?Who knew? But Haruka was sure of one thing:Sometimes they felt like they were the only person who was like this.They had to be wrong.. right?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I think Haruka and I have a lot in common.

They fumbled between radio stations.. Sighing they gave up and resorted to driving in silence.

Nothing was distracting enough.

It’s not like they hadn’t noticed that bags were developing under their eyes, it’s just they _couldn’t_ sleep.

Even their occasional depression naps only turned into more hours spent on the same nerve wrecking thought,

_What if Dad found out?_

Haruka watched the trees as they past them, the sun was setting. It didn’t matter though they couldn’t sleep either way. Driving on empty highways was Haruka’s only comfort nowadays.

_What would he do? Disown me?_

Haruka shuddered at the thought. Where would they go if they were disowned? Sure they had a couple of friends who were supportive but nobody wants a burden on their couch.

_Beat me?_

They gripped the wheel, they were 20 miles above the speed limit but that couldn't even compare to their thoughts.

_What do I tell him if he asks me if I like girls?_

_What do I tell him when he finds out I don’t even identify as a girl?_

_Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten my hair cut, maybe he already knows._

_God damn it, what if he already knows?!_

_What am I going to do?_

_Who’s going to help or listen?_

_What am I going to do?_

_What if he kills me?_

The tires screeched as Haruka frantically tried to get back in control with the steering wheel. They hadn’t even noticed their car had been swerving until they were seconds away from hitting the exit sign. They turned off the car panicking.

Haruka hunching over hugged themselves as they shook uncontrollably.

 _What if he kills me?_  Haruka whispered hoarsely.

Who knows what he was capable of? Haruka looked up trying to distract themselves from the violent scenarios that played out before them.

Haruka leaned back in their seat, watching the city lights glow in the distance. They took a few deep breaths.

_I can’t control this. I can’t control what he thinks of me._

It was supposed to be comforting, to remind themselves panicking over everything wasn’t the best option, but Haruka found no comfort in the fact that his homophobic or transphobic thoughts could cost them their life.

Haruka already knew that however their father saw them, it wasn’t good.

Turning on the ignition they put their car in reverse.

_Well if this is the last night I live might as well spend it doing something I love._

Haruka remembered their happy memories as a competitive racer. They smiled at the stars that began to pop up before their eyes one by one as if they were leading Haruka home.


	2. Blushing Biker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry updates may be slow. This week has been so hectic..  
> I'm just really happy I got to write out this chapter though!

Wake up, brush your teeth, shower, make an outfit in 5 minutes, eat cereal, bolt out the door with your backpack. That’s the routine Haruka had developed in the 4 years they had gone to high school.

Why would they want to deal with their father? They barely spoke, they only ever spoke when he called them for dinner. Mornings with him would have to mean dealing with his constant hangovers.

Quietly leaving the front door, they carefully inspected the car again.

 _No scratches or dents, what a relief,_ they thought to themselves. Although the drive home was nice (since they didn’t die), they had to quietly inspect the car with their phone’s flashlight while trying to think of a lie so their father wouldn’t think they had stolen the car.

That night, Haruka tried their best to ignore the knots in their stomach when they entered the house, only to see their father opening another beer can while watching tv.

“You’re out late.”

“I went for a walk.”

“Mhm.”

They then quietly retrieved to their room, letting out a sigh of relief.

Haruka took a deep breath and stretched. It was barely 6:30 am and school didn’t start till 8 am, but it didn’t matter to Haruka. They loved early mornings and late nights, it was the only time where they could be themselves with no gaze on them.

They liked biking in the morning, it helped their anxiety in an odd way, and how last night went they really needed it. They opened the garage to take out their bike and were on their way.

They liked to bike slowly because the breeze always felt so nice and they were able to take in all of the morning’s beauty.

Their town was like any other suburban town, it was boring. I mean it’s not like they didn’t have fun, sure they would hang out with their friends at the park or mall and eat out once in awhile, but they just felt stuck.

Suburban towns were big on community, but it always made Haruka laugh emptily because being closeted as a trans gay person while living with an abusive father and an extremely religious woman next door who would spill holy water on them any day, didn’t really feel like community?

It was ironic how something so beautiful could be so unwelcoming.

 _Must be nice to be straight and cis. You could fit in anywhere._  Haruka really didn’t know where they could belong.

They stopped at a block to check the time, 7:20pm. It was easy to lose time in your head. They looked around and of course all the houses looked the same. They could smell the lake though, so they weren’t lost.

“You’re up early.”

Haruka flinched almost falling off their bike, immediately looking in the direction of where the voice came from. Before them was Michiru.

“Oh hey, I could say the same for you” Haruka got off their bike and put it to stand.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, are you okay?”

Haruka laughed, “It’s okay, I’m alright thanks. I’m just not used to meeting people at 7 am in the morning. I usually bike to help myself wake up, the town’s really peaceful in the morning, you know?”

Michiru smiled, “Early mornings are relaxing, but I like to take advantage of sleeping in whenever I can!”

“Yeah. Are you on a walk as well?” Haruka adjusted their bag.

“Oh no, I live on this street! The house on the farthest end, closest to the lake is my house! You should come and visit sometime if you want.”

_I'd love to! But you see.. I live with an abusive father who can be very controlling and irrational sometimes so I like to be safe and stay in my room mostly where he knows where I am. Of course I sneak out but I gotta live somehow._

Of course they didn’t say that.

“Oh yeah, I’d love to! But you see, our teachers always give us so much homework and it’s so hard to balance my social life and academic life sometimes”

Lying to Haruka at this point was a game. They didn’t know if every lie they spoke was doing more harm than good at this point.

“Oh man, I understand so well! But you’re on the honor roll! I’ve seen your name on the list!”

Haruka fixed their hair and looked away shyly, “Ah it’s no big deal. I just do my work, I’m pretty sure I’m dumb compared to everyone else.. I mean you have principal’s honors!”

“Yes I do but it can be a lot of pressure sometimes. Also, you’re not dumb! I’ve heard your responses in class, don’t beat yourself like that” Michiru insisted.

“I always feel like I ramble but thank you!  I think you’re really smart Michiru” Haruka tried to hide their blush by watching a bird fly by.

“Aw thanks Haruka! I can help you study sometimes if you need it!”

“Yeah that’d be cool.”

“Well we should get going on, I’d hate to get detention from our teacher”

“Yeah we should!” Haruka checked their phone, 7:40 am. “Oh shoot we only have 20 minutes, here you can sit on the rear rack of my bike and I’ll get us to school in 10 minutes!”

“Sounds good”

Haruka sat in their seat and balanced the bike to allow Michiru to get on, “just watch your feet okay?”

“Got it captain” Michiru laughed from behind.

Haruka grinned, _She’s so pretty and nice and smart. Ah, stop Haruka! If you make it too obvious she might hate you forever._ Haruka hoped Michiru didn’t see their blush. Haruka knew their blushing was terrible, but just this once they could only hope their blushing was subtle.


	3. Invite

They arrived to school exactly at 7:50 am.

 _Nice one, me! One thing you didn’t fuck up today!_ Haruka cheered in their head as they both got off the bike.

Michiru stood by Haruka as they were chaining their bike, “Wow that was such a nice ride! It was so peaceful.”

Haruka smiled walking up the stairs, “Yeah it helps me get my mind off stuff."

“I feel like you’re the kind of person that has a need for speed though” Michiru laughed.

Haruka chuckled holding the door for Michiru, “Yeah when I was 5 I got on my first bike. My aunt told me to take it slow and steady but of course 5 year old me wanted to conquer the world. So I just start pedaling really fast and the bike just didn’t move at all! My aunt goes, ‘Oh seems like the chain isn’t working.’ Younger me was so crushed.”

Haruka watched the scene unfold before their eyes as they passed the lockers, only to feel a dark cloud surround their thoughts. _My aunt stopped talking to me after I cut my hair._ They wouldn’t tell Michiru that though, it was too sad for such a happy story. Their brain had a tendency to remind them of sad memories even when they tried to tell happy stories.

Michiru began to laugh really hard, “I could just imagine little you haha!” Taking a deep breath she tried to control her laughter, only to begin laughing again until she snorted. She covered her face, her eyes wide, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry..”

_No, don’t apologize I think it’s really cute._

Haruka looked over to her grinning, “Don’t apologize for laughing.”

“It’s so embarrassing to be honest.”

“No worries!” They entered their first period class, Lab, “Do you own a bike?”

“No” Michiru looked away and whispered, “I don’t know how to ride a bike..”

“Really? That’s okay! I can teach you if you want”

“Seriously! That’d be great!” Michiru beamed.

“Good morning everyone. Get with your lab partners” Both Michiru and Haruka looked at their teacher who was staring directly at them, everyone was sitting at their seats except them. They were standing by Haruka’s lab bench.

“Talk to you later” Haruka whispered.

Michiru nodded, looking over to her lab bench to see two empty desks, “My lab partner isn’t here though..neither is yours.”

Michiru sat next to Haruka as their teacher began to tell them instructions, “I’ll have to be your lab partner for today” she grinned and spoke softly.

“My lab partner usually does all the work, I’m usually here to make sure I don’t fuck anything up.” Haruka whispered back, hearing Michiru's soft laughter in response.

The teacher began to hand out laptops, eventually reaching Haruka and Michiru.

“Since both of your lab partners are _mysteriously_ absent today, you two can be lab partners for today.”

Haruka raised her eyebrows, “You say mysteriously in such a way, Miss.”

Their teacher placed both their laptops on the lab bench and smiled, “You kids act like teachers don’t hear when you speak about skipping classes. Their AP Statistics teacher told me all about their scheme. Well get started as soon as possible, this week's lab is pretty easy if you ask me!”

“Wow.” Michiru said as she took her laptop and turned it on, “I don’t think I could ever skip class.”

“Me either.” Haruka watched their teacher write formulas on the board for their lab, _my father would just make a big deal out of it. Like he’d care that I’m too miserable to get out of bed most days._

“I’m having a get together with some friends, you should come along too! I’m sure my friends would love to meet you, you’re so fun and cool!” Michiru gazed at Haruka with excitement.

“Y-you really think so?” Haruka tried to focus on the lab instructions and not on the fact that their face was turning redder by the second, “When are you guys getting together?”

“This Friday at 5 pm!”

“Okay, it sounds cool. Plus I like making new friends” Haruka smiled.

"Great!" Michiru cracked her knuckles looking at the clock, “Alright, we have 45 minutes to do this lab, let me read step 1 from the procedure!”

“More like 45 minutes to bs this lab if you ask me” Haruka smirked leaning on their elbow as they watched Michiru laugh and continue to read the procedure.

_Would you hate me if I told you I liked you?_


	4. Don't Spin The Bottle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Haruka does almost get forced to take their pants off during truth and dare so I just wanted to tell readers before hand.  
> (TW: Physical attack, coercion, dyke is also used as a slur) I will be sure to put other trigger warnings on the next chapters if needed.

"I'm working late tonight”

Haruka flinched, nearly spilling their cereal over. They looked up to their father who wasn’t impressed with their response.

“Okay.”

He said nothing after, and Haruka watched as he groggily made his way back to his bedroom.

Taking a deep breath, they counted to five and tried to concentrate on the present to stop memories from playing back. They always felt so weak flinching whenever their father was near them, but it wasn’t like they could control it either.

They barely slept the night before, and missed their opportunity to bike before meeting up with Michiru to go to school together.

Finishing their cereal, they quickly washed the dishes and grabbed their backpack. Opening the front door they saw the one and only, Michiru.

She held her hand out in a fist, “Haha you opened the door before I could even knock!”

“Maybe it’s destiny.” Haruka smirked while putting on one bookbag strap, “Sorry I couldn’t get you with my bike earlier, I woke up late.”

Michiru laughed, “That’s an interesting way to put it and it’s okay, I was expecting to wake you up from bed though. Let’s walk today, the weather’s nice!”

Haruka pictured Michiru screaming “Good Morning” excitedly as Haruka fell off their bed in fear in their t shirt and shorts. Haruka rubbed the back of their neck, “Yikes what a scene that would be haha.”

Michiru giggled as they crossed the street, “Are you excited for tonight?”

“Yeah I am! Is your mom okay with me coming though?” Haruka and Michiru decided on coming to school together after their original meetup. Later that week, Haruka was welcomed by Michiru and her mother.. Haruka gulped as Michiru’s mother began to ask them a million questions.

“Who are you? Where do you live? Why are you meeting my daughter so early?”

“Good morning Mrs. Kaiou. My name is Haruka and I live two blocks away from here. Your daughter and I usually go to school together since we have first period class together. Sorry to be any inconvenience so early in the morning.”

“I see so you’re Haruka..” Mrs. Kaiou crossed her arms, “Well Michiru honey have a good day at school!” She hugged Michiru and went back inside.

Haruka shuddered remembering Mrs. Kaiou’s glare.

“Yeah she’s okay” Michiru laughed, “She can be a little overprotective sometimes.”

“Yeah I was worried I was going to get my name wrong.”

“That would be funny. You did well though. You have a way with words.”

Haruka raised their eyebrows, “Really? I don’t think I’m really that figurative.”

* * *

 The last bell rang to release all the students crowded by the doorway.

“Oh wow, you actually meant it when you said you’d be here when the last bell rang, you’re really punctual Michiru”

“I keep my word! Aren’t you excited it’s Friday and we get to all hang out at my place?” Michiru grabbed Haruka’s hand in pure excitement as they began to walk out.

“Y-yeah” Haruka was hesitant to interlock their fingers with hers.

_Well she’s holding your hand, does this mean?- Don’t get ahead of yourself. Why would she like you? She only sees you as a classmate she’s known since freshman year._

Upon entering her home, Haruka felt stiff as her mother greeted them.

“Hello Michiru, hello Haruka”

“H-hello”

_Stop making a bad impression of yourself._

“Mother, we’ll be upstairs to wait for my other friends.”

“Oh honey, they’re already upstairs.”

“Oh really? Wow!” Michiru guided Haruka to the staircase.

“Your friends are already here?”

“Oh I forgot to mention they live in another town. We used to live in that town but then we moved here but we’ve all been best friends since fifth grade so!”

“That’s pretty neat.” Haruka had friends to sit with during lunch and in classes, but they never really had a best friend.

Michiru opened her bedroom door, walking in with open arms, “Hello my friends!!!”

“Michiru!” all three of her friends tackle hugged her.

Haruka awkwardly smiled as they caught up in excited gibberish. They looked around Michiru’s room seeing posters decorated around her walls, an organized desk piled with paperwork and textbooks, and a bed with a pretty pink comforter and many pillows. Haruka was kind of glad Michiru didn't come in to wake them up this morning as they would have found their room so bland and ugly.

“Who’s this?”

Haruka looked back to the group of friends, “Oh hi, my name’s Haruka. Nice to meet you. My pronouns are they/them."

“The name’s Naomi.”

“My name’s Hayley.”

“Rick.” Rick extended his arm and smiled. Shaking his hand Haruka caught on to the whispering and giggling from the two girls.

 _They’re not laughing at you, they barely know you._ But Haruka could have sworn Naomi was looking directly at them.

Haruka tried their best to suppress their gut feelings. Not every social interaction they had was going to be bad, they just had to remind themselves of that.

Michiru clapped her hands together and walked over to her desk, “Well with introductions done what should we do now? I was thinking Netflix?” She grinned and pointed at her laptop.

All of Michiru’s friends decided to sit on her rug, so Haruka joined them.

“How about we play Uno?” Rick suggested.

“Nah, Bullshit is way more fun!” Naomi replied.

“No! Truth or Dare!” Hayley insisted.

“Ooh, Truth or Dare, I like that!” Naomi grinned, high fiving Hayley, “But we get it Hayley all you want to do is to make out with Rick.”

"Ew!"

Haruka made sure to stay expressionless even though they had the urge to cringe. The last thing they wanted was to be dared to make out with Rick.

“What do you want to do Haruka?” Michiru asked  

“I’m fine with Netflix, but honestly I guess anything is f-”

“Great! Then Truth or Dare it is!” Naomi cheered interrupting Haruka, “Bring the alcohol out Michiru”

_Fuck._

“You guys want me dead? No alcohol! You can use this empty water bottle on my desk.”

Haruka made sure to internalize their sigh of relief as Michiru’s friends groaned and complained.

_I don’t need any more exposure to alcohol than I already do._

“Alright, let’s spin the bottle!” The bottle cap pointed towards Rick.

“Well Rick, is it truth or dare?” Naomi asked smirking.

“Dare”

Naomi tapped her finger on her chin, “Do a funny dance!”

Rick got up immediately to do a dance that started off as the chicken dance but got so bizarre that Haruka couldn’t hold in their laughter.

Next the bottle cap pointed towards Hayley, “Truth or dare?”

“Dare, duh!”

“Text a girl saying you want to fuck her”

“Ew no that’s so gay!”

Haruka clenched their fist, and looked over to Michiru who was frowning as they were playing an app.

While Naomi and Hayley yelled at each other and Rick watched in amusement, Haruka whispered, “Hey you play that app too?”

Michiru looked up and smiled gently, “Yeah, it’s pretty fun. I honestly find truth and dare boring but whatever.”

Haruka chuckled under their breath.

“Why would you send that to Melissa?! She’s gonna hate me!”

“Whatever just say it’s a dare.”

The bottle was spun again but Haruka still felt uneasy from the “gay” comment. But of course Haruka had all the luck in the world as the cap pointed towards them.

“Truth” Haruka’s voice cracked, only to feel their face burn up.

“Why do you use they/them pronouns?” Hayley asked.

“Oh well, I identify as non-binary, which means neither male or female so they/them kind of keeps that gender neutral vibe going. So yeah.”

“But isn’t they/them technically incorrect? Isn’t that used for more than one person? You're clearly one person.” Naomi asked lifting one eyebrow.

“No, it can be used in the context of a singular person” Haruka could feel their throat going dry.

_Shit, why didn’t I bring my water bottle._

“Hm, I don’t know it doesn’t make sense to me. Whatever spin the bottle Haruka” Naomi commanded.

Haruka spinned the bottle, there was no point in repeating themselves to someone who clearly didn’t care. It landed on Michiru.

“Truth or Dare, Michiru?”

“Truth, Haruka”

_Do you have a crush on someone? No don’t ask that._

“What’s your favorite movie?”

“That’s such a stupid question. Ask something more interesting” Naomi spat out.

Haruka stared at her in shock.

_Seriously what’s your problem?_

“I think the question wasn’t stupid, Haruka. I’ve been watching a lot of Bollywood movies lately and my favorite movie currently has to be Om Shanti Om because that scene where he takes her out on a date where they both danced in formal clothes was so romantic!

Haruka knew actually what she was talking about, and couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to dance with Michiru in formal dress. Michiru would look so nice in a gown, and Haruka would be able to rock a suit, and together they’d dance swiftly and happily like the snow globe in the movie.

_Ha if only.._

The bottle landed on Rick this time. He was dared to prank call his mom, which only resulted in him getting grounded. Haruka had to admit his prank calling skills sure were terrible.

The bottle was spun again and the cap stared directly at Haruka. It was Naomi’s turn to ask them questions or make up dares, but they didn’t know which was better. Their stomach started to knot up.

“Dare” Haruka blurted out.

“I dare you to take off your pants” Naomi smiled mischievously.

“E-excuse me?” Haruka eyes widen in horror.

“You heard me”

“They’re not taking their pants off Naomi” Michiru insisted

“They’re just taking their pants off, it’s not a big deal.”

Haruka nervously glanced at Rick, “I’m sorry I’m not doing this dare.”

“Ugh! Let me help you!” Before Haruka could react, Naomi had a hand on their leg.

“H-hey!”

“Naomi get off them!” Michuri yelled.

“Just take your pants off! You’re obviously either a girl or guy!

_Seriously? You’re so fucking disgusting._

“GET THE FUCK OFF ME” Haruka shoved Naomi in the stomach and immediately got up. They buttoned their pants feeling tears swell in their eyes. They didn’t care if Naomi was crying, or Hayley was cursing them out. Without even looking at Michiru they ran out. 

"I bet she's an ugly dyke anyways!" There were some things Haruka wished they had never heard. 

As they ran down the stairs, almost tumbling down, they met eyes with Michiru’s mother.

“In a hurry are you?”

All Haruka could do was weakly nod.

They ran all the way home, vomiting at some point from all the rushing thoughts in their head.

_I didn’t even say bye to Michiru what is she going to think of me? I hit her friend, she must hate me. But it’s not my fault though, she was on top of me and I was panicking!_

No, Haruka was glad they didn’t look at Michiru before they ran out. They couldn’t bear the thought of Michiru looking at them with eyes of disgust or hatred.

They unlocked their front door to be welcomed by darkness. For once they were glad to be home.


	5. Clock Strikes 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sex mention, but nothing explicit. It's just Haruka's thoughts on sex.

_Hey Haruka.. I’m sorry about yesterday. (11:58 am)_

_Are you doing okay? (11:58 am)_

_I didn’t mean for any of that to happen, I can’t believe she did that to you! (11:59 am)_

_You must be very angry, I mean you have every right to be! (11:59 am)_

_I feel so bad, I’m so sorry.. Just get back to me as soon as possible, please? (12:00 pm)_

* * *

Haruka laid in bed, covered in blankets gazing over the text messages. They had awoken again from their phone’s constant buzzing. If it weren’t for the text messages, Haruka would have made the decision to sleep until 3 pm, but they knew they would have to awake to reality sooner or later. Yesterday played back in Haruka’s head as a movie, a movie in which they couldn’t pause.

Haruka stared at their phone, feeling nothing. They didn’t know what to say. They hadn’t expected Michiru to reach out to them, they were happy they cared yet Haruka felt those familiar knots in their stomach.

_I bet she's just being nice. I’m sure when she finds out, she’ll hate you._

They watched the screen turn black from being idle. A wave of emptiness hit them, to the point where they just wanted to scream into their pillow and break stuff until they felt something again. But they wouldn’t. They couldn’t. Haruka wanted to be more than the anger that consumed them. They wanted to be nothing like their father.

They sat up suddenly remembering they had an essay due on Monday.

_Fuck._

Time stopped for no one, Haruka was aware of that, but there were days like these where Haruka felt so much emptiness they felt like it was eating them on the inside. How could they write an essay when they were constantly reminded that they were a joke.

_"I dare you to take off your pants”_

Haruka got up from bed and headed to the bathroom.

_“You heard me”_

They turned on the facet, and brushed their teeth.

_“They’re just taking their pants off, it’s not a big deal.”_

Opening up the cabinet they tried to reach for their face wash, only knocking it down to the floor with their hand.

_“Text a girl saying you want to fuck her”_

_“Ew no that’s so gay!”_

They picked up the container, and washed their face. They scrubbed a bit too hard. After drying their face with a towel, Haruka looked at the mirror. They stared at their acne scars, noticed how their nose turned pink after washing their face, and how bad their dark circles had gotten.

_"I bet she's an ugly dyke anyways!"_

Maybe they should have scrubbed harder.

* * *

Haruka laid on their couch, staring at their laptop with their copy of the _Picture of Dorian Gray_ by Oscar Wilde.

They read the prompt again, “Discuss the role of homoeroticism in the novel. Through this what is the author exploring about the nature of love.”

Haruka laughed emptily. Everyone else had lives that were falling into place, getting scholarships, better grades, a job, a new internship, and the only thing that was falling in place for Haruka was the constant reminder that they didn’t belong.

The typing began and such appeared on the Google Doc, _Oscar Wilde presents a gay artist, Basil, who is attracted to Dorian for his beauty and personality, only to end any possibility of a romantic relationship by illustrating Basil as scared and ashamed of his sexuality, and Dorian’s indifference to Basil’s attraction to him. This one sided relationship connects to Wilde’s attempt to examine the nature of love as a tragedy._  

Haruka envisioned every scene in their head: the hesitation Basil had admitting he was gay to Lord Henry, avoiding to showcase Dorian’s portrait, how heartbroken Basil felt after Dorian disregarded his confession as “disappointing”, how moments before Basil was killed by Dorian he cried,

“I worshiped you too much. I am punished for it.”

They stared at the ceiling, it was always a tragedy, in the Victorian Era and even in the present. Every TV show managed to kill off characters from the LGBTQ+ community. Orange is the New Black came to mind immediately.

Haruka was represented through two things, death, and oversexualization. Every movie they watched they knew the sex scenes were catered for the male gaze. They knew that if they were to say “I like girls”, in public, most people would respond with thoughts of “She’s a sex freak. Stay away from her.” (Because let’s be honest, Haruka was aware they’d get misgendered.)  These critics would think of something like Blue is the Warmest Color. But what about Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn? A gay loving relationship that promoted healthy love and growth.

No, why would they think that? Because of course non binary people and their female significant others can’t have happy healthy relationships, TV shows seem to enforce that theme really well.

Haruka did think about sex, they’d admit sometimes they wanted it. The intimacy, the trust, looking at their partner with pure admiration, the seduction, the sweetness whispered in their ears that would make them shiver, the teasing-

_You’re a sinner. A disgusting sinner who’s going to rot in hell._

Haruka placed their laptop to the side, and curled up into a ball.

It was funny, Haruka wasn’t even raised with that kind of religious context and yet it still had the most influence on them. Because they knew even if they didn’t believe in it, there were still millions who did. It just felt wrong to have thoughts like that, because society yelled at Haruka at a young age that the only way to be fully accepted was to be cis and straight. Haruka was neither.

_What luck I’ve got with this kind of life._

They sat up, distracting themselves by averting their attention to the TV. They watched two straight people, a girl and a guy kiss as if it was their last day to exist (it wasn’t.) Haruka grimaced. Straight people got to be overly affectionate for no reason, and Haruka couldn’t even hold a girl’s hand in public. Haruka couldn’t kiss their significant other, no because that makes them an “ugly dyke”, but when straight people do it? #RelationshipGoals.

Haruka knew it was bad to be bitter, but when there was barely enough representation for them how else could they feel? Haruka barely saw any movies, books, or tv shows, with characters just like them. It came to Haruka, that the only representation they had was themselves. Haruka stared at the couple laughing and singing in the rain, emptiness turned to bitterness which turned to loneliness.

_Basil and I have a lot in common. Basil got killed by a man he loved and died thinking he was a sinner for being who he was. I’m going to confess to a girl who may be straight who has the power to take my heart and tear it into two as she will later laugh about it with her straight friends. Of course Wilde portrays the nature of love as a tragedy, tragedy is maybe all I’ll ever have in this life._

Haruka picked up their phone, and unlocked it to see Michiru’s messages once again. They read them over again, and decided they were ready to reply.

(3:09 pm) _Hey it’s okay. I’m fine._


	6. What Are You Worried About?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: Physical violence depiction, emotional abuse, flashbacks, alcoholism mention.

Sometimes your biggest fears come true.

Haruka watched theirs come to life when he put his hand on the paper.

“What’s this?”

“My English essay,” Haruka swallowed hard.

His eyes skimmed the paper, furrowing his eyebrows.

Haruka placed their laptop on the coffee table, “Y-yeah it’s for English we had to analyze romance back in the Victorian Era.”

“Hmph”

_Shit. Shit. That was so stupid why would you say that?!_

Their father placed their paper back on the table and went to kitchen.

Haruka listened to the familiar creak of the cabinet opening, the bottle touching the counter, the alcohol being poured into his glass.

They had a feeling the kitchen would smell of alcohol for the next two days. Their body was tense, they didn’t know what to expect.

Picking up their laptop again and their essay, they made their way to their bedroom.

_You’re just overreacting. Everything is fine. He didn’t say anything so how could he start something?_

Sitting on their bed, they wrapped themselves in a blanket and put on their headphones. They scanned through their Spotify playlists trying to find something that would help them ground themselves. Finally finding something they pressed play.

_Huh?_

Haruka couldn’t hear anything. They tried restarting Spotify, checking their volume settings, and unplugging their headphones.

_Ah great._ Their headphones had stopped working completely.

They let their music play on their speaker.

_I should have put my essay in the folder. Why did I leave it there? Well, I mean I wasn’t expecting him to be back so early._

Scrolling through their phone, they suddenly got distracted by a post their friend made. They snorted, laughing loudly for a good two minutes. As they tried to catch their breath they seemed to have miss the footsteps that had stormed up the stairs. As they took a deep breath, they heard a sudden bang on their door.

“Quiet down! _"_

“S-sorry” Haruka looked up to the door in fear.

Haruka waited frozen for a few minutes before tiptoeing across their room.

_My gut feeling seems to scream this is not going to be good.._

They pondered on what to do looking at their bookshelf. Would writing in a journal help their anxiety shut up? Or maybe a book? Which would allow them to calm down from the possible scenarios racing through their head. Reaching for their journal, they accidentally caused four books to fall towards them.

They yelped, covering themselves with their arms to protect themselves from the impact. They picked up their fallen books, _I’m just a magnet for disaster._

They heard footsteps storming towards their bedroom, _Great_

This time, the door was swung open violently, “Did I not say quiet down?! YOU’RE BEING ANNOYING.”

Haruka raised their eyebrow, “I was just trying to get down my textbook.”

_I wonder how many glasses he’s drunk?_

“ALL YOU DO ALL DAY IS STAY IN YOUR ROOM AND ARE ON YOUR DAMN COMPUTER. YOU DO NOTHING ELSE!”

“Well most of my homework is online and I’ve spent most of my senior year trying to balance out AP Classes and College applications..” Haruka placed the books back on the book shelf.

Their father laughed, “College? If you cared about the family, you’d stay here.”

_What family?_

“Well oops.”

”I saw how you acted with your college counselor, why are you so excited? Why bother worrying about that school? I raised you, that school didn’t raise you. Why are you worried about money either, you act as if I won’t pay for college?” He smiled. He was trying to come off as sweet, the kind of sweet that would leave you nauseous.

_Yeah no shit, have you seen yourself? If you found out.. I hate how I had to involve you in this process because I’m financially dependent of you._

“Yeah cause college is expensive.”

_Sorry for being excited about something for once._

“You can drop out of school and I can teach you how to be a real estate lawyer. Look at your cousins, they made it through college without paying, why are you so worried?”

Haruka tried their hardest to suppress their laugh, “You’re so pathetic. Because we’re millionaires right? Just like my cousins?”

_The same cousins that are well aware of your abusive behavior, but don’t say anything._

“Excuse me?” The smile on his face suddenly flattened. They walked towards them.

Haruka tried their best to stay strong, but sometimes they felt as if nothing ever changed regarding their personal strengths and coping mechanisms.

“You act as if I don’t pay for this house and everything you owe? TELL ME DO I OR DO I NOT?” They grabbed them by the shirt. Haruka could see hell in his eyes. They tried so desperately to hide the fear in their own.

“Sure but-” He didn’t care to hear the rest of their words. With no hesitation he slapped them across the face. Haruka gritted their teeth.

_I should have kept my mouth shut._

He shoved them into the bookshelf and watched them fall to the ground in pain, “You’re an ungrateful little bitch who’s going nowhere in life.”

“I’ve worked my ass off in school-.”

He scoffed.

Haruka was laying on the floor, holding onto their injured shoulder, “Unlike you who can barely-”

Haruka yelped as he kicked them in the stomach. They could barely breathe.

_Fuck why does this have to happen now?_

They felt helpless. Yeah it’s okay to cry, but they didn’t want to show any sign of weakness to their abuser. Yet, here they were. Sobbing and a bruised mess. They barely had any upper body strength to protect themselves. College would be the place they’d gain strength and muscles.

He just watched them, it’s as his eyes were going to burn in their back as their own personalized scarlet letter. It would symbolize two pair of eyes they’d never please.

“Go downstairs” Watching Haruka not move an inch.

“I SAID GO DOWNSTAIRS” He yelled pointing to the door almost losing his balance.

Haruka glared at him, wishing they could send a knife straight through him as they struggled to get up. They winced in pain telling themselves _it was fine, it’s okay, at least you’re not dead._ They hugged their stomach as they made it downstairs.

If Haruka were to describe it, it was as if everything were hazy but too sharp. It felt unreal. They didn’t know what to expect. Every part of them was operating as if it was on high alert.

* * *

They stared at the wall as they heard crashes in their room. They looked at the old family photos and how the wall cracked, and how poorly lit their living room was.

They heard their father come down the stairs. His footsteps sounded irregular as if he was going to topple over any second.

“Maybe now you’ll learn the value of family, rather than being stuck on your stupid computer all day. Give me your fucking phone.”

“No! Fuck you!” They screamed while stepping back from his reach.

This time it was a punch to the face. They yelled out in pain.

“You’re a fucking disgrace” He hissed, slamming the front door on his way out.

Haruka collapsed to the floor, sobbing. They couldn’t stay here any longer. They looked up to the vacant kitchen. It was common for them to relieve memories. They watched their younger self try to stop their drunk father from beating their mother. How desperate and helpless they were. How desperate and helpless they were now.

Did they really change over the years? Did they really get stronger?

“Stop it!” Their younger self cried.

_I’m sure if younger me were ever to meet me, they’d hate me too._

Their younger self had aspired to become feminine and beautiful. Their aspirations were ruined by a non binary queer teenage whose filthy hands were gripping the carpet as they sobbed.

* * *

30 minutes? An hour? Or maybe two?

Haruka didn’t care for how long they had laid on the floor. Their numbness seemed to link them to the floor. There were no breaks though, their anxiety caught up eventually.

_What if he owns a shotgun?_

Haruka sat up in panic, groaning in pain.

_Who knows where he went? He could come back and kill you._

They got up steadily and limped their way to the staircase. At some point they had to crawl up the stairs because their body was so tired. They entered their room, barely being able to recognize. Their only poster had been torn to pieces. All their books were thrown around. Their chair had been through to one place and their desk another. The bottom of their laptop had been smashed.

_Well good thing I didn't give him my phone.. If Mom left, I can leave too._

Rubbing the tears off their face, they took an empty book bag from their closet and began to pack clothes. They didn’t know where they were going but they had to be somewhere that wasn’t here. They grabbed their charger, toothpaste, toothbrush, and a towel. They had always made checklists during their overnight school trips, but this anxious feeling was quite different. It was as if you were playing a timed game but you would never know when it would end.

_He could walk in any second._

Fumbling through their stuff, they finally zipped up their backpack and put on their coat. They put the book bag on one shoulder and their school bookbag on the other. It wasn’t the best idea but they’d manage on the way out. As they walked downstairs, wary, they came up with a plan.

_Michiru._

They made sure to be quiet as they left the front door in case he was nearby. It was almost acting as if they were non existent. As they placed both backpacks in their bike’s basket they unlocked their phone to text Michiru. They had realized they had left them on read from a meme Michiru had sent them.

 

_Haha this is such a cute meme, don’t you think?_ (9:00 am)

 

_Hey Michiru… sorry if this is a bad time but would it be weird for me to come over?_ (10:12 pm)

_Haha that meme is really cute._ (10:12 pm)

 

_Shit it’s 10pm would she even be up?_

 

They whimpered as they began to pedal. They tried to focus on their breathing to ignore their aching body.

Their phone buzzed in their pocket.

 

_You’re coming over?! Why? (10:16 pm)_

 

Haruka stopped their bike on the sidewalk and stood it on its stand.

 

_Of course to see you ;)_ (10:16 pm)

 

_Of course! :) Well I’ll be waiting for you!_ (10:17 pm)

 

Haruka let out a sigh of relief. But how would they explain everything to Michiru? Maybe it was best to not even bother. They could make up a scenario of how they got locked out or their dad was out of town.

It was hard to enjoy the scenery as they biked through the town, it was as if Haruka was racing their own thoughts. But they tried. They could barely see the lake but it was calming to see the moon reflect off the water. It was strange to see something so peaceful in the midst of so much personal chaos. Life was strange.

* * *

 

Haruka knocked right after they had sent a text saying they had arrived. After a few seconds, they heard the door being unlocked.

_Please be Michiru. Please be Michiru. Please be-_

“Hey Haruka”, Michiru whispered as she looked out from the slightly opened door.

“Hey Michiru” Haruka grinned running their hand through their hair. “I just couldn’t stop thinking about-”

Immediately Michiru opened the door, “Haruka are you okay?! Oh my god!”

Haruka stood there for a second shocked. They laughed, “Y-yeah uh I’m great actually. Haha”

_No. Don’t cry you idiot,_

“I’ve never been better” Haruka croaked looking up to eyes that were full of concern and pity.

_How long has it been since someone has looked at me like that?_

Michiru reached out for Haruka’s hand, “Come inside, let me get you some ice.” She glanced over to Haruka’s bike, “and I’ll get your bags for you don’t worry!”

Haruka watched Michiru as she grabbed both bags with no struggle and followed her inside.

_I always knew I’d be a terrible actor._


	7. The Wind and The Sea

“It’s so late Michiru why are you opening the door- Oh hello Haruka. What’s going on?” Mrs. Kaioh walked towards the doorway lifting their eyebrows.

Haruka and Michiru looked at each other. Haruka knew Michiru didn’t even know what was going on.

Haruka nervously waved breaking the silence, “Sorry to intrude, things at home have gotten out of hand..”

Mrs. Kaioh’s expression softened realizing how Haruka held their stomach trying to hide their pain, “Are you alright? What happened dear?”

“Mother I’m going to get some ice, here are their bags.” Michiru quickly placed the bags down and ran over to the fridge.

Haruka averted their gaze to the floor, “It’s fine, uh just my dad had another drinking night.” Looking back to Mrs. Kaioh they hoped she’d understand.

_ Why can’t you just be clear? Why are you ashamed of it? _

Mrs. Kaioh hugged Haruka, “I’m so sorry honey.. Stay as long as you need to.”

“Thanks for understanding” Haruka murmured, they focused on Mrs. Kaioh’s warmth, wondering if their mother ever felt this warm.

“I’ve got the ice! Come Haruka, I’ll help you to my room.” Michiru placed the ice into Haruka’s hands, holding their arm, as Mrs. Kaioh helped lift Haruka’s bags to Mirchiru’s room.

They all went up to Michiru’s room. Haruka keep switching hands to hold the ice. They walked in as Mrs. Kaioh placed the bags down, and Michiru fixed her bed.

“Rest well dear” Mrs. Kaioh smiled to Haruka as she closed the door.

Michiru immediately began typing away. Haruka sat at the end of the bed, placing the ice pack on their face.

Google: How do I help my friend who has bruises and injuries?

Google: How do I provide proper emotional support?

Google: How do I help my trans friend?

Google: How do I-

“I’m fine you know?” Haruka laughed softly at Michiru’s frantic typing.

“Put ice on all your bruised areas for 15 minutes each, that’s what Google says.”

“It’s fine this isn’t the first time it’s happened.”

“I’m sorry”

Haruka looked up to tearful eyes, “H-hey-”

“You don’t deserve this. What did he do to you? I just want to be a good friend and I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened and if I could go back-”

“Listen it’s okay her reaction was out of your control and I’m not mad at you. You’ve shown me that you actually give a shit about my identity. I mean hell you were the only one using my pronouns then and now! You’re doing the best you can, I think you’re a good friend. I mean you let me in at 10pm and I didn’t know who else to text but you.”

Michiru giggled while wiping her face, “You honestly came off as so flirtatious, ‘Of course, to see you’ Michiru reenacted the text trying to do a deep husky voice.

Haruka grinned and laughed as they switched the ice’s placement to their shoulder.

“Tell me, how many girls do you talk so sweetly to?” Michiru’s eyes had a mischievous tint to it as she leaned towards them.

Haruka lifted their eyebrows, taken aback. They took a second to register by looking at the floor. Haruka smirked turning to Michiru again, “This may be hard to believe but not that many.”

"Really? Interesting.”

Haruka looked away fixing their hair as they tried to stop their heart from coming out of their chest. They gazed at Neptune's posters.

“Is it okay if I take a shower?”

“Yeah! The bathroom’s down the hallway to your right.”

“Cool, thanks!” Haruka went over to get their pajamas from their bag.

* * *

After fiddling and praying that they’d turn the right knob, Haruka finally got how Michiru’s shower worked. 

They sighed in relief as the warm water came down on them. Time always stopped in the shower, Haruka could just think without anything going wrong.

They smiled like a goof as they replayed the scene in their head

_ “Tell me, how many girls do you talk so sweetly to?” _

The way her eyes twinkled, how her hair fell perfectly on her shoulder, how she grinned.

“She’s as playful and calming as the ocean” Haruka mumbled to themselves reaching for their body wash.

* * *

 

Michiru stretched on the bed as she refreshed the tabs mindlessly.  She scanned through Youtube finding something to watch before she’d go to bed. 

She sighed giving up, closing the laptop and making her way to their window. She leaned on her elbow looking at the moon. 

She smiled to herself.

_ “This may be hard to believe but not that many.” _

_ Not that many? Does that mean I have a chance? _

Michiru hummed to herself blushing, as they watched a tree’s branch sway in the wind.

“They’re just as striking and soothing as the wind”, Michiru grinned.


	8. It's You Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (tw: suicide mention (like suicidal thoughts), tw: self hate. Haruka has an intense conversation with their younger self.

Haruka awkwardly walked through the darkness using their phone to guide them to the bed. They got under the sheets to see Michiru already sleeping.

“Hm?” Michiru mumbled.

“Ah sorry” whispered Haruka, “I should have bought my sleeping bag.”

“It’s fine” Michiru yawned “Good night.”

“Night.” Haruka turned to the side and checked their phones. No missed calls. It was so strange to feel at peace when hell had broke loose a few hours ago.

Haruka tried to focus on their breathing.

 

* * *

 

It was all white.

The walls, the floor, the ceiling, and Haruka was sitting in the midst of it.

They tried their hardest to get up but couldn’t. It was as if they were glued to the floor.

“Does it get better?”

Haruka flinched yelling before noticing a younger girl was sitting in front of them.  
The younger girl’s head was down and her braid fell to her back. Just like how Haruka’s once did.

“Ah” Haruka said, “It’s you again.”

“Does it get better?” The younger girl repeated.

Haruka didn’t say a word. Did it get better? Has high school made life better or worse? With everything going on, has life gotten better?

“Define better.”

“Do I make friends?”

Haruka felt the usual pain in their stomach. They didn’t want to crush younger them. Because they weren’t the popular kid in high school, and sure they had friends but never would notifications pop up on their phone if they hadn’t started the conversation.

“I don’t know, I have friends but I still feel so alone.”

“So then what was the point?” They could hear wind rustling around the room.

“What do you m-”

“What’s the point of going on if it doesn’t even get better in high school?” She spoke through gritted teeth.

“You’re only 11 please-”

“I’ve had enough.”

“It doesn’t define you, I promise.”

“I don’t care anymore, let me die.”

The wind was howling and Haruka could barely keep their eyes open.

“Please just listen to me” Tears streamed down their face. “I know you expected me to get better by the time I graduated high school. But I think we both need to let go of the expectation that our mental illness is going to disappear. It’s not. I think I’ll be mentally ill for the rest of my life. I think the first step is to accept that. I can’t give up I’ve gotten so far. You can’t give up either you have so much ahead of you.”

She sat in silence.

“I know you expected me to be pretty, and popular, and have a boyfriend, because you were so insecure about never being able to fit in. But I couldn’t achieve it. It didn’t solve anything. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t be the cute girl with the amazing boyfriend where we dance in this dreamy ball. I’m not a girl, but I like girls. I’m sorry I couldn’t be anything you wanted.” Haruka sobbed.

She sat in silence.

“I CAN’T BE ANYONE ELSE. I DIDN’T CHOOSE TO BE LIKE THIS, BUT I CAN'T BE ANYONE ELSE.” Haruka screamed against the wind as their last attempt. Haruka felt as if they were in the midst of a tornado as they shut their eyes again.

They looked up one more time to see their younger self finally raise her head. Haruka saw a face of broken dreams and hopes.

“I’m sorry I’m so sorry, please understand I’m doing my-”

Just like that, their younger self fell through the floor.

 

* * *

 

  
Haruka awoke barely breathing. They groaned being blinded by the morning light and turning to their side they yelped in pain from their body’s soreness.

“Haruka are you okay? Oh my god are you okay? Did you have a nightmare?” Michiru sat by the bedside, hesitant to touch Haruka to comfort them as she witnessed them in pain.

“I’m fine” Haruka managed to breathe out, “I just had a really bad dream I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Let me bring you some water.”

“Wait Michiru, do you think it’s going to get better?” Haruka’s lip trembled.

Michiru looked towards Haruka and reached for their hand, “I promise it’s going to get better. You just need some time to rest and heal. I understand you must be feeling a lot right now but I’m here for you.”

Haruka was a little shocked from the answer. “Thanks Michiru.” Michiru smiled slightly before making their way to the kitchen.

Haruka shoved their face into the pillow. It smelled like lemons, like Michiru’s new perfume.

They wished they could sleep forever. 


	9. What We Say and What We Don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: abuse, divorce mention,

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

They both laid in silence on Michiru’s bed.

Haruka laughed nervously, “I don’t know where to begin..”

“What happened?”

“My dad just got drunk and started hitting me and our relationship is just really bad. I’m sure after a few days everything will go back to normal.” Haruka stared at the ceiling.

“Does this happen often..”

“No not the fighting or hitting. I don’t know he was just mad. I can’t really remember how it started.. This is so stupid, I should be able to remember.”

“It’s okay, it’s not stupid. Does he drink often?”

“Yeah almost every night, but I just avoid him so I don’t piss him off.”

“Haruka I’m sorry..” Michiru eyes began to tear up, “You don’t deserve this.”

“Hey it’s okay! I’m sorry I don’t mean to be depressing or annoying with my feelings.”

“No no! You’re not being annoying or doing anything negative, it’s good to talk about this! You need to let it out. I’m just really sensitive and really hate how you have to go through this. ”

“Yeah. I don’t know emotions are complicated.”

Michiru’s ticking clock helped fill in the silence.

“Is it okay for me to ask about your mother?”

“It’s okay. She left cause she wanted a divorce, there was always fighting. They gave my dad custody cause he had a better financial situation. I was a kid at the time so I don’t remember all of it but, my mom was unemployed at the time so I’m sure it’s one of the reasons. My mom sometimes comes to visit or calls but she got remarried so it’s awkward. I don’t know maybe it would all be different if I lived with her.” Haruka paused. “But sometimes I feel just as distant with her as I do with my dad.”

“Yeah it sounds tough. Are you going to tell your mom?”

“No, I think it’s better if I don’t. Plus I’m moving out for college, so I’ll be away from it sooner or later. I’m just nervous cause so much is out of my control and I don’t want it to get worse with my dad.”

“I understand, it is a lot to take in. Just do what’s most comfortable. My parents also got divorced so I can empathize with how you feel. I don’t like my dad actually, and I hate every time he calls. My mom deserved better, he was so selfish and manipulative..”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that” Haruka looked to Michiru.

Michiru held Haruka’s hand, “It’s okay this doesn’t define us and I think you’re really strong. Thanks for talking about it, I know you’ve gone through a lot but I hope you’ve been able to feel a little at ease here.” Michiru smiled.

Haruka could feel their face burning up. “Thanks for talking to me and listening to me and letting me stay. I’m sorry it was so impulsive, I was just so panicky.”

“Don’t apologize, I’m just glad you asked for help.”Michiru let go of their hand and jumped out of bed, “ Never forget, if you need anything I’m always here!”

_ I’m so happy I met you. _

Haruka sat up watching Michiru fix her hair in the mirror.

“Michiru I’m-”

Michiru tied up her hair, “Hm?”

_ Catching feelings for you. _

“K-kinda hungry.”

Michiru clapped her hands excitedly, “Perfect! Let’s go out to eat!”


	10. A Day Out

“How much do you have?”

Michiru hummed while Haruka checked their wallet.

They walked downtown as a few cars passed by. The sun shined brightly.

“1, 2- Only three dollars!” Haruka sighed, “I’m terrible at managing money.”

Michiru laughed, “Did you spend it all on taking girls out to dates?”

“What! No!” Haruka turned their head the other way as they blushed.

“Hmm.. I guess I’ll pay for now! But you’ll have to pay me back!” Michiru winked.

Haruka chuckled, “Am I supposed to be your knight in shining armor as payment?”

“Oooh! I like it! Then together we can beat up bad guys and be destined to save the Universe!”

“Hm” Haruka smiled, “I’d like that! Anything but being a boring teenager.”

“Don’t worry the more you spend time with me the less boring it’ll be.” Michiru smirked.

Haruka raised their eyebrows and smiled. They liked moments like these.

Suddenly Michiru grabbed Haruka’s hand and ran full speed, “UH MICHIRU-”

“DOG!”

Michiru excitedly asked the owner if it was okay to pet their golden retriever while Haruka desperately stood behind Michiru, shaking.

“Please don’t kill me” Haruka whispered as the dog looked up at them for a brief moment before going back to licking Michiru’s face.

 Haruka tried to make small talk with the owner as Michiru was having a blast.

“What a great dog! A good boy!”

“You’re so soft!”

“I LOVE DOGS!”

Michiru laughed delightly.

_She likes dog_ s, Haruka noted.

* * *

 

”Let’s rock paper scissors about it!” Haruka put their hand out ready, “I’m going to make sure I win!”

Michiru put their hand out too and grinned, “Fine! Winner gets to choose. Pizza vs Chicken over Rice”

_Rock Paper Scissors, Shoot!_

Haruka cheered throwing their hands, “Yeah!! Pizza it is!!!”

“Hm fine!” Michiru crossed her arms, “But I get to choose dessert!” Michiru stuck her tongue out and laughed as Haruka grinned. _I’m so glad they didn’t kick us out_ , Haruka thought to themselves as they both exited the pizzeria on their way to the bakery. _I worried for nothing._

A random thought had come to their mind while ordering wondering what they’d do if the owner was homophobic. Their eyes on the menu read nothing.

_I’m pretty sure the owner sees two teenagers hanging out all the time though, it’s basically his business! I’m fine, I’m safe!_

_Oh god but what if he thinks-_

“Haruka what would you like?” Michiru asked softly.

Haruka looked up to the owner’s stern face and gulped, “Uh cheese! Thanks!”

Then they ate with no problems.

_I have to stop thinking about the worst._

Michiru picked up two orders of milk bread and paid happily as Haruka browsed the different sweets, hand in their pockets.

“I’m so excited for you to try milk bread! I love it so much” Michiru did a little dance while sitting as she unwrapped hers.

“Yeah I’m sure it’ll be great!” Haruka smiled from watching her excitement. They unwrapped theirs and took a bite, eyes widening.

“Michiru! This is the best thing ever!”

“I TOLD YOU SO!”

* * *

 

”One more shop I promise!” Michiru pleaded holding Haruka’s arm.

“Okay, okay” Haruka laughed softly, “I just feel a little tired that’s all! One more shop is good for me.”

A bell chimed as they walked into a clothing store. Haruka looked around as Michiru looked around through the dresses. Their eyes caught on a denim vest in the men’s section.

_This would make me look so gay, I want it!_

“Need help with anything?” asked a sales associate.

“Uh no thanks” Haruka smiled as they picked up the demin vest, white pants, and a white shirt awkwardly.

The sales associate smiled before walking away, “No problem, sir.”

_Sir,_ Haruka froze for a second.

“That looks great!” Michiru walked over with clothes draping over her arm, “Let’s go try this out in the fitting room!”

Haruka stood in front of the mirror wearing the complete outfit, shuffling with the buttons on the vest.

 “How do I look!” Michiru stepped out and twirled.

“Oh my god it looks amazing” Haruka looked astonished.

“We look like a great duo!” Michiru smiled next to Haruka wearing a turquoise blouse, and a pink skirt.

“Yeah! We should coordinate outfits together to confuse everyone haha!”

“Let me check the tag- 60 DOLLARS?!” Michiru smiled sheepishly, “I have such an expensive taste and no money.”

Haruka looked at their tags, “Yeah, I wish it was more affordable.”

“Well it's okay, it was fun to window shop! Let’s change and go home!" Michiru entered the stall. 

Haruka stood in front of the mirror for a few more seconds,

I _wish I had enough money to afford more androgynous looks._

**Author's Note:**

> Gay culture is ghosting for too long, but I'm back.  
> How could I leave this fic unfinished when it's 20GAYTEEN.  
> Sorry for such a long wait though! <3.  
> \--  
> I hope you liked it!  
> Leave any comments for suggestions, or how you feel about it in general if you'd like!  
> Wanna say hi? You can message here!  
> sailortarka.tumblr.com


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